Abstinence-Only Education Ruined By Trip To Zoo | The Onion – America’s Finest News Source

I need to find more places in my life to use the phrase “masturbating wolverines.”


Just like in the world of contraceptives, Conservatives prefer not to think about a Plan B.

Seriously geeking out

  • The LAT, via Newsarama, previews the Buffy: Season Eight comic book.
  • A G.I. Joe movie? Awesome! One that stars MarkyMark? Meh.
  • A “Death of Superman” animated movie from Bruce Timm has the potential to seriously rock.
  • I vowed years ago, as soon as “Firefly” debuted, to follow Summer Glau anywhere. That will now include to her role as a Terminator in the “Sarah Conner Chronicles.”

LOTD: 3/5/07

  • What the heck are newspaper publishers thinking making a special version of the paper for the non-reader available within the regular paper? It’s a question Max asks and which has me ready to just pound my head on my desk. (CT)
  • The Patent Office is going wiki-tastic in asking the community to comment on patent applications and help them in picking the most important ones out of the static. (CT)
  • I can’t imagine why residents of a New York neighborhood didn’t care for a Zune truck blasting Justin Timberlake songs through the night. That’s just shocking. And did everyone else notice this is the second company to have a protest site created that includes “wake up?” (CT)
  • Steve Safran is just too funny for a Monday. (CT)
  • Over on The Media Drop, Tom has made the consumer electronics retail industry an offer it really can’t refuse. (CT)
  • I’m sorry, did something change on the USA Today website? I’m just not seeing enough coverage and would like someone to really dive into how it, say, looks and feels. Help a brother out? (CT)
  • Dave Winer doesn’t want to spend the time going through any of Flickr’s support areas or contacting them directly, so if you work at Yahoo!/Flickr, and want to help Dave out in getting his two Flickr accounts roped together or split off so he can use his existing Yahoo! account with his Flickr Pro account (read: not the one the Y! account is attached to) then you can find out more here. [/sarcasm] (TB)

Why can’t I see that movie in theaters or on DVD?

See if the lede from this story sounds anything like what I’ve been saying since forever?

Tired of being turned away at the theater box office when a movie’s sold out? Unhappy there’s no art-house theater in your neighborhood to cater to your hoity-toity theatrical tastes?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. And it’s a ridiculous business model because it ensures that experimental movies don’t make money by not giving them a wide-enough distribution, thereby making all the people who thought financing it was a bad idea act very smug, despite the fact that they’re idiots.

That’s why I’m glad the rest of the story details how a consortium of studios, including Universal, Warner Bros. and a company called Digital Cinema Implementation Partners are working on a digital delivery system that would give theater owners a bit more flexibility in what they program. They could drop films that aren’t performing, add films that were doing better than expected and even schedule some smaller films for limited runs that otherwise wouldn’t have made it to that theater. The only thing missing (and it might be implied if not stated) would be the ability for a group to reserve a theater for a special showing of a particular film. That would truly be awesome.

As far as smaller films on home video, the NYT has a story about how the demise of niche retailers and the market demands of stores like Wal-Mart and Best Buy are combining to create hard times for small films on DVD. This is all very true – those stores can’t stock smaller films because the economics of doing so simply aren’t efficient. But as Chris Anderson points out, the story completely leaves Netflix and Amazon, two outlets that are very effectively serving these niche films to the audience that craves them, out for some mysterious reason.

People want to see the movies that they want to see. If you make them available in a manner that’s convenient to them they’ll do so. This isn’t hard.

Quote of the Day

While Mark Caro is talking about the Short Film category I think the larger point is applicable to the movies that play downtown and not where people actually, you know, live.

At some point you have to consider the entertainment value of seeing films you’ve never heard of winning awards you don’t care about so people you’ve never heard of can go up on stage and thank more people you’ve never heard of…

[Via fellow Tribber Eric Zorn]